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He Knows
Why is getting your shit together so hard? How can I remember some cartoon from when I was five years old, but not the date for my exam? What the actual FUCK is wrong with me?? Why can't I just function?!?! Recently, I've been having this problem where I can't seem to do anything. I feel drained, I don't feel like I want to do anything. My mind will drift off. It's not "on-again-off-again"; I'll stay like this for days on end. It's really debilitating. Yesterday, I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling fan. I wholeheartedly know and acknowledge the fact that I could move if I wanted to, I just didn't. Part of me felt like I should have moved. Even still, I just stayed there. Doing anything just felt like a monumental task. Even thinking felt like an exertion. I couldn't maintain a coherent line of thought at all. I'm not overstimulated. Really, I'm not. I don't have anything I need to do, and I've been isolating myself in a quiet room for the past few days. I'm not even sure this has an exact cause. I've been very diligent about getting myself a decent amount of quality food to eat. I've been vigilant about how much sleep I'm getting. I don't know, maybe I'm bored? Probably not. If I were bored, I'd be bouncing off the walls. Here, I don't want to do anything other than listen to Enya. The only coherent train of thought I can get through my mind is the following: "He knows" Who's "he"? What does "he" know? Does "he knows" actually mean anything, or is my mind just going places again? I'm starting to think it might be my mind ruminating on stuff I did in the past. OK, you know what; I don't know what I'm saying anymore. It's this stupid brain fog. I can't think straight. All I can think about is this: "He knows" I was raised to believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe having less willpower than a tomato was for a reason. Hell, maybe it's a good thing that my get-up-and-go got up and went without me. Part of me thinks that I must be crazy to think that having no energy to do anything is a good thing. How can being completely sapped be a good thing? How can lethargy be anything other than bad? That question answered itself within a couple of days. I fell asleep playing Mass Effect, and for the first time in what feels like forever; I was able to form a coherent thought beyond that stupid "he knows" thing. I was mulling over memories of the past. I was dreaming about that time my three closest friends died. I was dreaming about the day I got diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I was dreaming about the time I got kidnapped and nobody noticed until the soccer team I was on at the time actually won. Eventually, that "he knows" thing came back. "He knows" finally made sense. he know you haven't got friends… he knows no one will miss you… he knows you're a sitting duck… he knows where you are… he knows you're easy picking… he knows… HE KNOWS… Category:Mental Illness Category:Weird Category:Reality Category:Dreams/Sleep